Sofa King

I woke up this morning (take note, this is not something I do every day) to this news story. For all you people to lazy to click on links, it's about the benefits of tea. Long story short; tea is good for you and you should drink three to four cups a day. The most interesting part, however, is that apparently neither tea nor coffee is dehydrating. You'll still feel like shit if you drink only coffee and no water, but you'll have a "net gain of fluid", the doctor says (except for the shit part, that was my personal opinion). Lastly, it's worth mentioning that the studies were paid for by the UK Tea Council. Make of this what you will. I want to believe.

In other news, I now have a sofa. It is quite big and very very comfy, in fact, it's once been used as a torture device by the Spanish Inquisition. I am hoping it will give me a new roll, since my last roll (which lasted for at least two weeks) ended approximately four days ago. I have been on several rolls this summer, but I've had this dreadful feeling lately that things are returning to normal. Which means no rolls for a long time. But we'll see. The saying goes "live and learn", but my own interpretation goes more like "live, learn, forget, get bored. Have a cup of coffee".

Oh well. Now I'm off to double, maybe triple, my daily intake of caffeine.

Wikiweirdia

Wikipedia is weird.

While having my last cigarette before going to bed, I was kinda bored. I'd been reading about wasps (don't ask) on wikipedia, so I decided to hit the "random article" button.

I was sent here.

As I sat there staring, with a very confused WTF? bouncing around in my head, I got the crazy notion of hitting the button again.

This time I was sent here.

How did I even manage to get by in the years before wikipedia? My mind boggles at the thought.

Edit: I decided to try it one more time. After all, wikipedia can't be made up of nothing but useless information, right? There are, surely, a lot of well-written, informative and interesting articles in their database? Well.. take a look at this. I should think the evidence speaks for itself.

I feel like I could do this all night.

News, fresh like a virgins nipple

This blog is probably not most famous for being a up-to-date comment on the very latest world events. In case you just became worried, rest assured that this will not happen. However, today I bring you all a few fresh news stories that I found oddly fascinating. Firstly, have a look at this report about the Ama, female Japanese pearl divers (average age: 72). I found it interesting how a profession thought better suited to women than men could be close to extinction while a Korean cosmetics company provides free makup for the poor. Daily necessities, indeed. But hey, that's how the world is, now, like before: The most important use of the woman is as pretty collectibles for men. And, of course, a starving woman equals a pretty woman (remember, kids: It's not called "skinny" but "slender").
Lastly, a completely random report: If you go to India, remember to bring Coca-Cola, because you might not get a hold of it there. You see, since soft drinks are bad for you, they've been banned. Beautiful simplicity. Meanwhile, we're upset because of stricter laws against smoking.. Oh, and while the world is rapidly descending into a whirlpool of shit, the most intelligent people on the planet (yes, even smarter than me, although it hurts to admit it) hide in their attics solving math problems.

This concludes our annual news bulletin.

Mama Mia, Let My People Go

The last few weeks there's been a debate in Norwgian media. The debate has been concerning whether author Jostein Gaarder is a anti-semite or not. You see, Gaarder wrote an essay in which he says that Israel shouldn't be killing children, because he thinks it's naughty. Jews all over the world got enraged by this, saying it's ok to kill children as long as they're muslims, and accused the author of anti-semitism and devil worshipping. Gaarder was surprised by this, because he didn't know how much jews love to kill children. Of course, he should've done his homework, like me. So, in the spirit of anti-semitism, here's a quick Angry-La special: Evil Jew Timetable.

-A long time ago: First Jew born. Immediately chokes his mother to death using the umbilical cord.
-Shortly after: Jews exterminate dinosaurs. While laughing.
-2000 B.C: First Jew in space. Does not return, possibly made pact with aliens.
-36 A.D: Jews torture and kill Jesus. They also poked him with a stick.
-1913 A.D: Jews create Richard Nixon in a lab.
-1939 A.D: Jews provoke Adolf Hitler into starting the Second World War. When this proves counter-productive, they invent the atomic bomb.
-1948 A.D: Israel is created, providing a place for all Jews to rub their hands together and laugh maniacally. Here they discover the joys of killing Arab children.
-1967 A.D: Jews occupies Palestine, starts randomly invading neighbouring countries for laughs.
-1975 A.D: Jews create Microsoft, their most evil project yet.
-2006 A.D: Norwegian author Jostein Gaarder writes an essay in which he says he no longer acknowledges the state of Israel. Well, at least the one created in 1967.

Of course, this list is far from complete. Jews have also made the movie Pearl Harbor, created TV Shop, and killed your dog. If you feel I have forgotten something important, feel free to add to the timetable. Just make sure you've got your facts straight. And remember, kids: Anti-semitism is not discrimination, it's common sense.

The Dark Age

A wise and horny man once said; 'tis better to have loved and lost, and so on. Well, he was obviously not talking about the internet. Because I'm here to tell you, munchkins, for a man who've gotten used to the easy world access of the web it's a truly painful experience to have it snatched away. Which, you guessed it, is excactly what happened to me well over a month ago. I did in no way stop living, but my existence was forcefully changed in a way I've yet to fathom completely.

Before you make lots of strange noises with your nose and start sending me hatemail telling me how pathetic I am, consider this: The 'net is full of news. It lets us pay our bills and change our adresses in an instant. It has a far more up-to-date list of jobs and apartments for hire than all the handheld newspapers combined. It makes communication with friends, enemies and fictional cartoon characters far too easy. Besides, it's filled with delighfully random weirdness. Wondering where you've seen that actor before? IMDB. Stuck in a videogame? Gamefaqs. Hungry? Milk and cookies. Feel like reading something with real meaning, something to stimulate several brain functions at once whil keeping you entertained? Angry-La.. well, maybe that last one was a bad example. But my point still stands: Once you've learned the ways of the 'net, it becomes an external limb of sorts. If it's removed, your brain starts to limp. Allow me to provide a short, but embarassing example.
The other day, someone was saying something naughty about a certain country, let us call it Nicerael. The reason, as you all know, was that this country (consisting mostly of fluffy bunnies and evil arabs) had invaded another. Upon hearing this, I was all "what? They've invaded Iran?".

...

And there you have it. To sum up: Internet good, Israel bad. And me lazy (I always wondered what all those newspapers were for). Until next time, kids: Play nice, or else you're likely to be eaten by a Jew.

Buh-bye for now

Did I say juicy update? Funny, I don't remember that.

Anyway, here's the dealio, kids: Uncle Grovdal will be abandoned by the internet. That means random updates, at best, for the unforeseeable future (most likely the next month or so). Let's hope Cogitatum picks up the slack, since he's finally made an update after centuries of silence. Go over there and bother him, children. He deserves it, the bastard, for still having teh internet and everything.

I'm going to miss the 'net. Buh-bye for now, then.

Attention, music lover!

Alright now, this is just peachy: A radio station that plays music you may like, depending on your very own input. Pandora is just a click away, friends.

I'll be back with a more juicy update soon. In the meantime, Sleeper Says: Enjoy.

Who put the 'ew' in 'news'?

Just a quick update with some news stories that bodes well for the world:
- A nice inspiration for science fiction fans can be found in this lovable cult's love shack. What's up with jolly old Britain, anyway?
- Despite a few noisy nights, I can't say I've ever had a neighbour as crazy as this. I mean, booby-trapping plant pots? Come on. Points for creativity and perserverance, though.
- And lastly: Old women killing homeless people for fun and profit. Only in America. Hopefully.

Fuck-a-doodle-do

Alright, here it is: Exams depressions. Most of you probably know what it's like; it's not just doing everything except what you're supposed to be doing and consequently feeling guilty about it, it's also every other paranoia resurfacing when you need it the least. Everyone is your enemy, they all hate you and want you to fail miserably, not just at these exams, oh no, I'm talking life here. Even the sun only has one simple goal: To see you, face-down, crying and yelling in the middle of a motorway, waiting for it all to end. You won't be hit by any cars today, however, because all the fucking drivers are in on it.
Anyway, it's not just other people, is it? Oh no, mostly it's just yourself. You're a born fucking loser, and you know it. No wonder there's noone there to comfort you, you simply don't deserve it. You can't even manage to pass some unimportant exams, how the hell are you going to suceed at anything else? You'll end up on the dole, on the street, in some fucking alley getting assraped by the leaders of your country as they laugh maniacally and wave their money in front of you.

It's all your own fault, after all, for not doing shit about it until now. You thought you were clever enough, but now you know you're not. As you sit in front of the massive pile of books (just when did those books get so fucking big, anyway?), you try to make out the words on the page but it's all a blur. And then you know, instinctively, that it's not going to be okay. It's not going to work out in the end. You, my friend, are totally and utterly fucked.

Good luck on the spring exams, everyone!

Make it reggae!

I have discovered something. It would seem that, each year, some parts of the ground (you know, the one outside) goes green. At these green spots, people have appeared, and lots of them. Many of these people are women with little or no clothes on them. My brain is still trying to process it all, but as far as I can tell these women are either grown directly on the spot or extremely attracted to green. I have made a mental note on buying lots of green clothes, as a direct result of this.

Also, I have disturbing news for readers of this blog. It seems that exposion to the sun, half-naked women, and reggea has had an unfortunate effect on my mood. I am actually experiencing short, painful moments of contentedness. This may appear as a good thing. However, it leaves me in short supply of stuff to whine about here, such as the lack of said elements. Luckily, the answers may be right ahead: The dreaded Spring Exams are on their way. My cashflow is not so much flowy as it is jerky. I do not have a job for the summer, nor a place to live. In short: Things will soon be back to normal. Don't despair, let me do that for you.

In other news: Recent studies (made by me) suggests that reggae is good for you. A lack of music has actually caused the extinction of several species of animals, mostly mammals. As we know, people are mammals (and rude ones, at that). So, in order to avoid extinction; make it reggae!

(Oh, and in case you're wondering where to start, try the Dynamite! series from Soul Jazz Records. I have recently been exposed to #3 in the series, it will r0xx0r your s0xx0rz)

Time to get ill

Righ, just to let you know: In case you've been wondering where my promised weekly updates have gone, I've taken sick leave from this blog (and almost everything else) for a spell. I am, however, going to get better soon, because my plan for world domination depends on it.

I have said too much.

Anyway, since this writing is nothing more than pure, digitalized thoughts, does this post even exist? Now that's something for you dogs to chew on until next time.

Get the shotgun, Edie.

There was a POST here..

..it's gone now.

Tigers and Monsters

Right. I'm trying to update this thing at least once a week these days, so excuse me if some of the posts (like this one) might seem a bit unnecessary. I'm quite drained of everything resembling energy, creativity and will to move. This is because of a small city called Oslo, which I've now returned to. Once called the tiger-town by some depressed writer, it's a city that makes one want to run through the streets with a lawnmower, Braindead-style. It's tiny, but thinks it's huge, it's rabidly obsessed with money and appearances, it's got some of the most americanized people in Norway who somehow manages to proclaim their disgust for the same country-god they worship. In other words, it's probably like every damn city in the world: Depressing as hell, but one cannot help but love it. The point: I'm back, baby, and I'm having a bad day. Let's just chalk it up to urban lag, not because I've crossed a time zone, but because I've been thrust straight into another fucking dimension..

..which ties into my next item nicely. Oh, and if you're of a nervous disposition, or rather, if you don't enjoy having your nerves torn out of your skin, tossed around, chewed, spit out and pissed upon, you might wanna ignore this next part. But if you, on the other side, love having nightmares (hey, it's better than being bored all the time, right?) you really should consider a vacation. Clicky this linky to see an.. advert.. for a nice, foggy tourist town. They are expecting you.

The Angry-La Fortune Cookie

When in doubt, kill yourself.

Weekend of w00tness

For those who are wondering, I'm currently at home in my parents house in the beautiful, but boring, Norwegian countryside. Visiting former hunting grounds invariably means meeting old friends, which in turn often leads to parties. So, as to not upset the natural order of the universe, last saturday me and some friends came together for a shindig.
It started quite innocently, with drinking, music, and fun for the whole family. Then we shipped ourself off to the local beer den, which resulted in heartbroken wallets, but still, nothing mayor. Due to the excessive amount of people out last weekend, however, getting a taxi proved rather difficult, but we finally found one after spending half an hour walking in minus 25 degrees celsius. And that's when the w00t kicked in.

There was song (depending on your definition. There was, at least, loud noises coming out of our mouths). There was wine (quite literally. Wine was found in strange places the day after). And there was dancing; of the homoerotic kind, none the less, complete with a strange fascination with spanking. There was women, as well, but as far as I can remember they neither gave nor received the spanking. Finally, there was some serious headbanging performed by yours truly, and I have to say I still haven't fully recovered. My neck has been aching like hell the last few days, but that's what you get when you don't stop rocking when it hurts. And we didn't stop rocking for quite some time (and it did, indeed, hurt). I'm excpecting a love letter from the neighbours any day now, let's hope they enjoyed the music.