What I learned today, on my way to work

Hospitals exists for one single purpose: To destroy its patients' dignity. It's a lesson in humiliation, dished out by vaguely amused doctors and nurses. Not that I'm complaining about the hospitality (hah!) I was treated with today, it's the procedure itself I had a problem with.

Why? I'll tell you why, you nosy bastards: I had a plastic tube, with a camera and a fucking grappling hook attached to it, stuck down through my throat, all the way into the stomach, for what felt like an hour or so (give or take 50 minutes). In addition, my stomach was inflated and deflated, seemingly at random, and the hook was nibbling my small intestine a number of times. I'm pretty sure humans weren't designed for this sort of treatment, not originally, at least. Ever seen a fish on land? Yeah, that was me. I lay there, wheezing and gurgling because I needed to distract myself from the fact I was getting orally fucked by a piece of plastic.
BTW: I know what you're all wondering, but no, I didn't look at the screen. I didn't have the stomach for it (double hah!).

But then - whey! - procedure over. Oh well, that was horrible, I though, but at least I've done that now. One more uncomfortable experience in the bag, right? It wasn't even reason good enough to write all that about dignity and humiliation at the start of this post, right? Right?

At that point, the doctor (who, we must remember, in case she accidentally reads this thing, was nice, supportive, and seemingly very quick and professional) said the following to me: "And if we don't find what we're looking for, we'll go in the other way."

Asphinctersayswhat?

Let's have a fucking time out here. That is never going to happen. It just isn't.