Let us assume, for a moment, that God exists. No, let's go further than that: Let's pretend that I am God (really not much of a stretch). I have just created Man. I feel quite content with myself. Maybe I'm patting myself on the back, saying, "Wow, Me, that was a clever one!". This does not last long, of course. Because Man starts bickering, and bullying each other, and I'm all, "wait a second, this wasn't the plan!" and I start trying to fix it. Floods, plagues, earthquakes, disco, I'm pulling all the stops in order to get rid of the bastards, but somehow, that's always the ones coming out on top. So, naturally, I'm now thinking: "Well, I tried. Now fuck this, I'm outta here!" After that I'd probably just retire, or maybe start over on some other planet far far away.
This is presuming I'm a nice God. Because, if even someone who's omnipotent (me) couldn't manage to weed out the bastards, they're here to stay. While not the main point of this post, my example also serves as a giant "fuck you" to all the "final solution"-believers out there. You cannot fight evil with evil. But I digress.
What then, if I'm a more human-like God? What if Man really were made in My image? Think about it: We humans sure like our soaps. The stories we tell and enjoy the most are the ones with lots of conflict and misery, and we often like the bad guys best, as well. In this case God would be no exception. So it would be natural for Me (still God, in case you'd forgotten) to build the world as a giant soap opera stage. I start it simple, with cavemen bashing each other in the head. But my need for intrigue grows, so I begin complicating things. Soon the stories grow, the conflict intensifies and the stage becomes truly epic, with empires falling, religious wars, weapons of mass destruction and economic collapse.
In one episode, some amazing discoveries are made, where the past truly comes out to haunt the religious leaders (the dinosaurs). In another, a tiny angry man kickstarts a dormant war machine which in turn leads to the attempted genocide of the Jews. And quite recently (and quite brilliantly, if I may say so myself) a dane with good intentions starts riots across most of the muslim world when he prints some cartoons of one of my most prominent protagonists. My continuity is flawless, even though I sometimes have trouble with character development. But: I watch it, and I see that it is good. I am God, and I demand to be entertained!
Then again, it's obvious that I'm not especially fond of happy endings.
February 26, 2006
February 23, 2006
The Holy Drugs
Edit: I seem to have fucked up the font, so get your glasses out. I'm sure there's some cosmic irony in it, but I flatly refuse to learn from it.
Right, so if you are a member of the religious group O Centro Espirita Beneficente Uniao do Vegetal you are now allowed to do drugs, according to the US Supreme Court. Or, specifically, you're allowed to drink hoasca tea, containing the hallicugenic substance DMT, which is (usually) illegal, during ceremonies. Of course, these guys need some synthetic help in doing what religious people have been doing for thousand of years by sheer delusion, namely connecting with God. I suspect that this group will soon be getting quite the increase in it's congregation, although one may start to wonder why they didn't add in some more gods, connected to separate types of drugs, while they were at it. That way they could all worship their drug-Lord of choice, and the hardcore religious types could worship all at once, thereby earning enormous respect and maybe be given a place as a holy man. Anyway, this uplifting story has given me inspiration: I'm currently planning a religion in which we worship the holy Mary Jane. The only way to understand this holiest of holies is, of course, by smoking vast amounts of.. well, I'm sure you can figure out the rest. So, who's with me?
The Angry-La newsreel:
- Norwegians perform crappily in the Olympics, while the Swedes run off with one gold after another. Norway is currently moping about this and blaming it on our neighbours (and, probably, especially the muslim community there).
- The police have started arresting buyers of weed from the local drugstore. While the area in question has turned into a really unpleasant place to pass (unless you consider being surrounded by foreigners whose sole Norwegian vocabulary consists of the words "buy" and "drugs" a fun time), and the method probably will turn out to be most effective (since most of the buyers are hip people and students, not what you would call hardened criminals), it still is worrying. First off, we're talking about a crime that would be victimless had it not been a crime. Second, if the repercussions for the arrested go beyond a good scare, students will have to work more and study less to pay off the fines. And if they're going to jail, who will bring the fat fucks at the police station their pizza? But I won't cry out "police state" just yet. The morale, of course, is this: Help your fellow students get by; buy your weed from them instead of the shifty guy at the corner.
- A Norwegian soap called "Hotel Caesar" is being accused of destroying the minds of young children because it had a shotgun it one episode. If you ask me, violence is not what's going to make their brains rot, the crapness of the series will take care of that.
Right, so if you are a member of the religious group O Centro Espirita Beneficente Uniao do Vegetal you are now allowed to do drugs, according to the US Supreme Court. Or, specifically, you're allowed to drink hoasca tea, containing the hallicugenic substance DMT, which is (usually) illegal, during ceremonies. Of course, these guys need some synthetic help in doing what religious people have been doing for thousand of years by sheer delusion, namely connecting with God. I suspect that this group will soon be getting quite the increase in it's congregation, although one may start to wonder why they didn't add in some more gods, connected to separate types of drugs, while they were at it. That way they could all worship their drug-Lord of choice, and the hardcore religious types could worship all at once, thereby earning enormous respect and maybe be given a place as a holy man. Anyway, this uplifting story has given me inspiration: I'm currently planning a religion in which we worship the holy Mary Jane. The only way to understand this holiest of holies is, of course, by smoking vast amounts of.. well, I'm sure you can figure out the rest. So, who's with me?
The Angry-La newsreel:
- Norwegians perform crappily in the Olympics, while the Swedes run off with one gold after another. Norway is currently moping about this and blaming it on our neighbours (and, probably, especially the muslim community there).
- The police have started arresting buyers of weed from the local drugstore. While the area in question has turned into a really unpleasant place to pass (unless you consider being surrounded by foreigners whose sole Norwegian vocabulary consists of the words "buy" and "drugs" a fun time), and the method probably will turn out to be most effective (since most of the buyers are hip people and students, not what you would call hardened criminals), it still is worrying. First off, we're talking about a crime that would be victimless had it not been a crime. Second, if the repercussions for the arrested go beyond a good scare, students will have to work more and study less to pay off the fines. And if they're going to jail, who will bring the fat fucks at the police station their pizza? But I won't cry out "police state" just yet. The morale, of course, is this: Help your fellow students get by; buy your weed from them instead of the shifty guy at the corner.
- A Norwegian soap called "Hotel Caesar" is being accused of destroying the minds of young children because it had a shotgun it one episode. If you ask me, violence is not what's going to make their brains rot, the crapness of the series will take care of that.
February 13, 2006
Cartoons of Mass Destruction
I finally googled the Mohammad cartoons and my computer didn't explode, which was a relief. I like my computer, you see. It also made me realize that the embassy raiders didn't just overreact, they dug their own moral graves. Before the extremely violent reactions of last week, I was willingly dismissing the printing of said cartoons as stupid, at best. But now, well.. let's just go over some ground rules, shall we?
First of all, violence, or the threat of violence, is an unacceptable reaction to any situation except, sometimes, if you're acting in self-defense. Or if you're a ninja.
Second, if you subscribe to a religion then, by all means, follow it's rules. But never, ever, try and force others to respect it. If you wish to worship the Holy Cocoa Bean then go right ahead, but that doesn't mean I'll quit eating chocolate in public.
Third, freedom of speech is necessary for freedom of religion. Easy as that. Fight the one and you automatically fight the other.
However, the question remains: Was the cartoons offensive? As has repeatedly been pointed out by most intelligent beings: While Jyllands-Posten and all others who chose to print the drawings had an unquestionable right to do so, that doesn't make it smart (or tactful). After all, unless you're a ninja, you really shouldn't go around offending people for no good reason. So we return to the question: Offensive or no? Decide for yourself, if you haven't seen them; feel free to use the link provided at the start of this post. That page also includes the three fake drawings (the ones brought to the Middle East by a Danish imam without any trace of common sense), something you might find helps shed some light on the whole burning and pillaging thing.
If you want more, The Mohammed Image Archive is a collection of different depictions of the prophet throughout history, including Persian art and, of course, Danish cartoons. And these political cartoons discuss the controversy in far greater depth than any blog, even one as brilliant as my own, ever could. As they say, a picture is worth a thousand embassies.
Latest news: US vice-president Dick Cheney shoots a guy while hunting. Unofficial sources say Dick claimed the man "had some weapons of mass destruction under his coat".
First of all, violence, or the threat of violence, is an unacceptable reaction to any situation except, sometimes, if you're acting in self-defense. Or if you're a ninja.
Second, if you subscribe to a religion then, by all means, follow it's rules. But never, ever, try and force others to respect it. If you wish to worship the Holy Cocoa Bean then go right ahead, but that doesn't mean I'll quit eating chocolate in public.
Third, freedom of speech is necessary for freedom of religion. Easy as that. Fight the one and you automatically fight the other.
However, the question remains: Was the cartoons offensive? As has repeatedly been pointed out by most intelligent beings: While Jyllands-Posten and all others who chose to print the drawings had an unquestionable right to do so, that doesn't make it smart (or tactful). After all, unless you're a ninja, you really shouldn't go around offending people for no good reason. So we return to the question: Offensive or no? Decide for yourself, if you haven't seen them; feel free to use the link provided at the start of this post. That page also includes the three fake drawings (the ones brought to the Middle East by a Danish imam without any trace of common sense), something you might find helps shed some light on the whole burning and pillaging thing.
If you want more, The Mohammed Image Archive is a collection of different depictions of the prophet throughout history, including Persian art and, of course, Danish cartoons. And these political cartoons discuss the controversy in far greater depth than any blog, even one as brilliant as my own, ever could. As they say, a picture is worth a thousand embassies.
Latest news: US vice-president Dick Cheney shoots a guy while hunting. Unofficial sources say Dick claimed the man "had some weapons of mass destruction under his coat".
February 03, 2006
Murderer sighted!
The Killer, wearing the victims head as a mask. A truly gruesome vision.
I wasn't too bothered by the sight, though. As previously indicated, I was quite drunk.
February 01, 2006
Murder!
The victim of a senseless slaughter. Blame it on the tequila. Also notice the dishwashing utensil to the left, I have no idea what it is doing there.
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