Age of Boobies (part one)

Age of Conan is an MMORPG (massively multiplayer online rampaging puerile game) developed by Norwegian gamemakers FunCom, the same ones who made the quite good pointy-clicky The Longest Journey and the endless (not as in "never-ending", but more as in "doesn't have an ending") sequel Dreamfall. Age of Conan, however, is not a point and click in the traditional sense, but in the modern sense: Point at monster, click monster, monster dead. The MMO part comes from the fact that there's thousands of other human players clicking the same monsters as you, and sometimes clicking you as well. Eerily similar to real life, then.

But enough technical mumbo-jumbo, the reason for this post lies in a different, more seedy part of town. You see, AoC (that is, Age of Conan - try and keep up, please) is an "adult", "mature" game. Translated: It's got boobies and violence. Although boobs and violence are hardly anything new in videogames (we even got'em in the real world, you know), it's somewhat of a change from the reigning champ of the MMO universe, World of Warcraft (WoW), with it's cartoonish style and rather humorous sensibilities. Which is okay. An MMO with a big, fat number "18" on the box, not a problem. The problem arises when it is continously, and retardedly, passed off as "a game for adults".

I got news for you, boyo: Big boobs, heads rolling and blood splattering across your screen as you kill things is not "adult content". In fact, it's a very good definition of "adolescent content". Or, as Cartman would put it, dude, that's totally immature. I'm not saying you have to be a 14-year old boy in order to enjoy AoC (although it undoubtedly helps), I'm just saying that you've got one inside you, and that's the one howling with satisfaction as you're chopping off heads while ogling impossible cleavage, not the reasonable, election voting grown-up that you've later become. Well, at least I hope so. Wouldn't want Conans big-breasted hussy as president, really.

So, here we've got a game aimed squarely at young boys, which they can't buy 'cause they're not old enough to do so. Good stuff. Anyhow, I wish FunCom all the economical prosperity they'll need to continue the TLJ franchise. After all, Dreamfall still needs an ending.

What is the Haterix?

Noone can be told what the Haterix is, you have to experience it for yourself. The Haterix is when you want a new skill, you want to learn something, and you have to work for it. No bloody "I know Kung-Fu", there's blood, sweat, and sweet, sweet disgrace to be had before you'll be able to lift your foot above your knee or break a cracker with anything but a hammer.

Is it worth it? Depends on the skill, probably. Knowing how to do stuff is awesome, but learning to do it can be downright painful. Of course, the physical pain is unimportant, it's the gracelessness of the novice that kills you: The knowledge that you look only slightly less competent than a midget playing basketball. I think the trick might be learning to relish public humiliation, or at least coming to grips with the fact that they're probably not laughing at you. People do laugh, after all, and it's kinda doubtful they find you important enough to laugh at, anyway. What are you now, the centre of everyones world all of a sudden? Stop worrying so much.

No, my advice: Just keep trying. Eventually you'll get it. And even if you don't, at least the rest of us get some entertainment to shorten our miserable lives. Because I lied, before. About the laughing.

Welcome to the Haterix, schmuck.

Homosexual Healing

Allow me to explain the situation.

In Norway, a law was recently passed. It's a nice law, tolerant and soft-spoken, a bit naive perhaps, but hey, we all make mistakes. I won't claim to know the details of it, but I know the gist, and the gist is this: Gay couples are now allowed to get married and have children, either through adoption or artificial insemination. Now, in a sane society, we would all go "gee, that's about time, good for them," and move on with our lives. No big whoop, right? But the keyword here is sane: Houston, therein lies your fucking problem.

Turns out a lot of people are bleeding morons; who would have guessed? But my beef, for once, does not lie with the Christian nutcases who, for some reason or another, don't like gay people or want them in their church: So you hate homos, or blacks, or jews, whatever, I can dig it. You're empty-headed bastards, you have the right to say and mean what you want, and that is, after all, one of the virtues of our society: Assholes have the same rights, the same freedom, as the rest of us.

But the people who really get in my windpipe, the ones who make me choke and spit blood out of sheer rage, are the faux liberals who flatly refuse to have coherent opinions. Those who're blind to the fact that one's opinion is not formed on a case-by-case basis, but as principles. The ones who go "it's not that I don't like gays, but think of the consequences!". FYI, the "consequences" they're talking about are the artificial insemination bit. So their argument is that this should not be a part of the new law, that it should be considered a separate case.. wait, someone's whispering something in my ear. One second. Right. Right. What? That's not what they mean? But what do they mean, invisible voice of fucking reason? They oppose the law based on this sperm-thing? They honestly think gays should not be allowed to have children? But they don't hate them? What? WHAT?

I mean, seriously, not making a joke here, but have these people actually got a brain? In working order? Let's go over that again: They don't think homosexuals should be discriminated, yet they oppose the law. Their reasoning is that artifical insemination is dangerous and unethical. But wait, why do they oppose the entire law, and not just the insemination part? I'm confused. Could it be that they're actually pro-discrimination, I wonder? No wait, that was a lie. I don't wonder at all. These people are so fucking afraid of being seen as politically incorrect, that they make up nonsensical arguments and, in the process, make themselves look dumb as mold instead. Want to discuss the ramifications of artificial insemination (god, I'm tired of writing that)? Go right ahead, but keep the poor fucking gays out of it, m'kay?

Argument: But think of the children! Two fathers? Two mothers? Oh, the humanity!
Answer: I wish people who keep sayng "think of the children" shut the hell up and started actually thinking of the children. A lot of children don't have parents. A lot of children have two dads and two moms, or one mom (alcoholic) and one dad (violent) or only one parent (in prison, perhaps). Besides, two dads are way better than one.

Argument: But it's not natural! There's a reason that only heterosexuals can have babies, you know. Mother Nature / God / Allah / Dreidel / The Big Holy Whatthefuckever intended it that way!
Answer: Man cannot fly. From nature's side, we should stay the fuck away from the skies. But we don't. We never do. We build planes, cars, trains. We make weapons, build skyscrapers, cure diseases. It goes like this: Man sees problem. Man uses technology to solve problem. Any questions? It's in our nature to overcome obstacles. Because of this ability, adaptability, we're the top species of this planet, by quite a margin.
This is no different.

Next week, on "Grow the Fuck Up or Get the Fuck Outta Here": A crash course in discrimination. Or something else. Who knows? Who cares?